my first blog entry...haha. funny thing is before i wrote this, i was kinda venting on a different post that i ended up deleting and starting over, because i talked to a friend and yeah...helped me clear my head. anyway, here goes my babbling-
recently, i have been strangely stressed out and annoyed by everything. things that have never gotten to me, have started gettin under my skin..but the good news is, that's ok.
while venting out everything while writing this blog, my headache intensified so badly that i couldnt look at the computer screen anymore, so i decided to take a break and call up a good friend of mine and just ask him for some advice and catch up. after talking with him, the song - 'word of God speak' by mercyme just suddenly popped into my head...specifically, the words
---"im findin myself, at a loss for words,
and the funny thing is....its ok.
the last thing i need, is to be heard,
but to hear, what you would say." ---
and i realized, that it's ok being lost right now and not having a clear future direction, because what matters right now is that i trust in God fully, build up my faith, and continue to serve his ministry. what i need to do now, is less talkin, less worryin. and more listenin & more trustin. i realized that when i have been prayin recently, it hasnt really been intimate and personal like how it should be, but rather demanding and ungrateful.
the funny thing was, after the yd conference and just the chicago trip in general, i was really able to find myself. i was able to obtain a deeper understanding of who i was as a person, son, brother, friend, child of God, etc. and it REALLY did clear a lot of the things i had going on in my head. i was able to learn from my past and use it to start the healing and restoration process and move forward in life. i knew what i was going thru wasnt just an ordinary spiritual high, but the real deal. i knew that i had officially begun the restoration process, and i was focused on not goin thru one of those dry-runs that always happened after conferences.
after i got back, i was really fired up for Jesus and all the good stuff that i was going to accomplish for Jesus this year. but ironically, i became so fired up, that satan decided to use it against me. i started to focus too much on the future, and not on the present. and as a result, i became really worn out, because everything just seemed like a complete mess. and everybody knows, when you focus on the future, and not on the present, you will fail at whatever you are doing.
God hasnt revealed to me his clear direction for my future yet, even though i have been praying for awhile now, but i feel that he will reveal it to me soon whenever HIS timing is, because his timing is the BEST timing. not my timing. and that was why i started to worry so much about the future, because i was getting more and more annoyed by the day, because God hadnt given me his clear future direction yet, and i wanted to know it NOW.
thankfully, i can already see that the big man upstairs is trynna teach me a few things this year - 1) to let go of my ways and just depend on him fully. essentially trust in him like birthcontrol. hah & 2) focus on what i am supposed to do for Gods ministry NOW and not on what i'm supposed to be doing LATER. because later will come if i focus on the now. but by focusing on the later now, i will lose both the later and the now.
basically, i just gotta take babysteps towards everything right now and eventually, in Gods right timing, i will be sprinting faster than usain bolt.
One last thing- because i became so busy with school, i used that as an excuse to somewhat become anti-social this semester and to just focus on my studies and my spiritual life. however, i realized that this was all clearly wrong. because God created us to be social creatures, i must continue to keep in contact with my friends..especially with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, so we can edify one another and continue to build one another up. i must always be ready because the enemy is waiting for the right moment to take away all the nourishments that i have received from God, screw everythang up, and ultimately distance me from God.
i must remember to continue to remain in jesus, as that is my new years keyverse: john 15:5, and i must fight the good fight everyday, focusing my eyes on Jesus and being renewed by him daily.
that is all.
